Solitude

I’m now reading Her Fearful Symmetry ~ Audrey Niffenegger.

He [Robert] was not ready for her absence; no one he had loved had died, until Elspeth. Other people were absent, but no one was dead. Elspeth? Even her name seemed empty, as though it had detached itself from her and was floating untethered in his mind. How am I supposed to live without you? It was not a matter of the body; his body would carry on as usual. The problem was located in the word how: how he would live, but without Elspeth the flavor, the manner, the method of living were lost to him. He would have to relearn solitude.

She has a way of capturing the essence of a feeling. She draws it out and leaves me fascinated.

How do you relearn solitude? That really is the hardest thing to do… it’s what makes loss of a relationship/loved one/work whatever you hold dear, difficult. You can never quite imagine not having someone or something anymore. Sometimes it is that very knowledge that keeps people in jobs and relationships they shouldn’t be in, in the first place. You wanna go, leave and not look behind but the fear of solitude holds you back. It takes balls and a made up mind to go and stay gone and break all contacts.

That book pulled me in, left me in suspense!!!! It’s about Eddie and Elspeth who switch identities after Eddie falls pregnant with Jack. Valentina and Julia are born. ‘Elspeth’ dies and leaves everything to them. Becomes a ghost and later kills Valentina and takes her body. Robert is tormented and eventually leaves her.

The things people do for this thing called love is insane… This is a fictional book and it is amazingly great. It captures your interest. Makes you feel their emotion and read as if you are living their life.

Pain

Pain is ugly. Sometimes it’s beautiful. It makes you realize what’s important; what matters; what you value, what you expect; what you want; what you love. Pain is an eye opener in so many ways and on so many levels. You need to have gone through pain to understand that. That’s what I learnt. That is my lesson. Let no one ever say that for something to be worth it there has to be pain involved. That is BS. Pain comes in when you refuse to do that which your gut tells you to do. When you choose to follow what you think is right when you conscious screams otherwise. That’s why I insist pain is beautiful. It brings you back to the original point… the point you were before you chose the wrong path and left the right one. It gives you an opportunity to stand your ground and choose to do what is right. Only, we never quite realize that. We try to numb the pain. We try to run away from what is ailing/nagging us. So you numb it and it eats at you slowly, gradually. Meanwhile pain becomes a part of you that you can no longer feel the difference. 

Love

Love can be beautiful.
Love can be kind.
Love can turn ugly.
Love can last.
Love is what you make it to be.

Mundane

You start at a new job and you are on cloud 9!! Ecstatic even. Months later, when you've known most of what there is to know about the company, you feel things are a little lackluster. The high energy levels, gone. It is a task to go to work!!  Did you take a wrong job? Did you listen to people's personal experiences and made them your very own and therefore knew [aka felt] that the place sucks? Did the employer over promise and under deliver? Why does it become mundane?

It happens in relationships too!! The first few months you are all over each other, every other minute you have something to talk or smile about. Some months down the line, not that your feelings change or anything but that 'thing' is no longer there [or so you think]. That's usually around the same time you start asking yourself does s/he love me?? Why doesn't s/he do/say the things they used to say/do? Admit it, you have wondered that at some point at whatever relationship that was. Where did the spontaneity and fun stuff disappear to? Why does it appear mundane?

Monday comes, you are supposed to be at school, work wherever. Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday oh the week drags slowly along. Sigh. Friday comes, after work, time to hit the club!! TGIF baby!! On the weekend -- look for something to do to keep you busy and not bored. So, Saturday run errands, see people, hook up with your man, nurse hangover's, hit the clubs again, have sex, go for a concert, stay in read a book or catch a movie.You know, whatever.you wanna do. Sunday comes and you're like Damn!! Tomorrow's it's back to work/school. And the cycle continues.

So, when do things get so mundane?!

I guess this means, you gotta find ways to keep life interesting...

Free Spirit

Life is too short to live by rules, doing only those things which are expected of you. So, live for the moment. Sometimes it is good to take risks... you will gain a whole lot more and learn a thing or two about yourself. Playing safe will get you no where! Be a free spirit. Play more. Be cautious  but don't be inhibited. Live, love laugh a little.

Friday Thoughts...

The number of things that have unfolded in the past few days are quite fascinating. We seem to move from scandals to shocking news to debates and don't even get me started on politics! 

• Politicians are busy 'merging' and creating convenient political alliances. 

All this while the electorate is busy 'aligning' themselves with their preferred candidate or political parties. As others seriously weigh options on who to vote for [in my opinion this is a reserve of the smart]. 

As this goes on other's are busy declaring that an individual is a reformer but others argue s/he has nothing to show for it!! 

While others say 'this one would make a good President but I doubt he will make it'. 

With whom does the power to vote and elect lie again? Please remind me. We have the power and ability to elect a Leader. Not a Tribal Chief. Someone who will devote those 5 years to ensuring Kenyan's have a better life, their economy grows, opportunities are well spread to the have-not's and the have's, people have access to healthcare, citizens are secure, infrastructure is excellent... the list is endless. Will we get such a leader this time round? 

• Then there is the bill proposing that if you cohabit for 6 months, according to the law you should be deemed to be legally married. 

In a society where morality levels have drastically fallen I wonder if this bill shall see the light of day. According to the many comments I have read, a man always knows IF he WILL marry the woman he is dating. He knows the outcome before anything happens between them. He knows if you are his future wife or his play thing till the real Missus he is waiting for shows up. Ladies do not be confused about this. This is why there is the rage about having 'standards', 'requiring' your man to do certain things and not acting like a wife when you don't even know if you are the girlfriend. And no, I'm not talking sex only... 

If a man loves you and wants you in his life, he should be able to put a ring on your finger, in front of God and man and proudly declare you HIS woman. No games, no emotional drama no debates and no hiding.

• This comes hot on the heels of the raging debates of the second or other wife! 

Some women have come out proudly declaring they are the second wives to prominent men. And they are proud about it. So proud in fact they are on the magazine covers. Pastors, men, women [both married and unmarried] have spit venom on these proud declarations. 

My opinion, it takes two to tango: the married man, who leaves his home and finds another woman and decides you shall be my 'wife' and the woman, who when approached by such a man, for reasons best known to her 'accepts' this arrangement and is okay with it.

Society can hurl all manner of superlatives at them [read the woman] but at the end of the day it has happened and lets face it, this is a rampant thing. Only that now we have the balls to discuss it and admit it instead of secretly mumbling to ourselves. Here we are. Pointing fingers at those who are in this predicament passing judgement. 

I however must laud these women. They are brave. Kenyans can burn you for coming out in public and saying 'I am doing this'. Their comments will scare you for life if you do not have thick skin and expect sympathy. They will burn you alive for admitting to be engaging in something openly that they are doing in secret. At least they are honest enough to come out and say this is the arrangement we have as compared to those who have secret affairs that span years! And the other spouse rarely knows of this affair not until an unfortunate thing happens e.g death or a mighty scandal.

As all these take the 'forefront':

• Accidents continue happening everyday. 
• Power black out's are a common occurrence should it rain.
• The cost of living is ever increasing.
• Central bank has lowered it's CBR rate, let's see how that translates to the ordinary Kenyan.
• It is raining heavily. Question is, is this resource being harvested to be utilized later?
• The police have the 'go-slow' going on.
• Nurses were reported to be 'thinking' [I use the term loosely] of going on strike again.
• On one of those radio shows, a young girl went to have an abortion and it was done so badly she had to have her uterus removed.
• Churches are attacked.

The list is endless. Yet, what is it that takes precedence in the Kenyan media and minds?

Mind Shift

The best thing ever according to me, is when you experience a mind shift.

You know, there are those thoughts you usually have...and you conclude ' I cannot do that'. And then at another point much later, you go like 'I should do that... I think I can make it.' That right there my friend is a mind shift. A mind shift can totally elevate you make you feel sooooooo much better about you. And we all need to feel good about ourselves don't we?